It's Not Me It's Us

Potty-mouthed Facebook spy

Rob — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 03:34:17 +0000

Apparently the ex-girlfriend was stalking our young lad on Facebook, and didn’t like what she saw. That begat this awesomeness. I can make no further comment since I have no idea WTF she is talking about… but you’ve got to appreciate the genius of bellowing “don’t say anything” into an answering machine.

download video

Toronto’s Dimitri the lover

Rob — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 01:27:14 +0000

The mean streets of Toronto are stalked by self-proclaimed ladies’ man Dimitri ‘the Lover’. On this occasion poor, quivering Olga is his prey; they met on King Street one steamy night when he approached her out-of-the-blue and somehow mooned his way into obtaining her business card. Onbeknownst to Olga until it was much, much too late Dimitri is a student and practitioner of a controversial method stemming from Toronto’s Seduction Community: which appears to be comprised largely of overweight, desperate, lonely white men. The basis of “Seduction” is for men to parry and jab women with a frightening mix of adrenaline-inducing compliments and butterfly-inducing putdowns. For intelligent women (which I pray are the majority) all these tactics are likely to induce is vomit.

Utilization of this technique in the wilds leads to some fairly entertaining Voicemails such as this one, from Dimitri Himself:

Dimitri-TheStud

He manages to fawn over and dump the girl within the confines of a single message, thus making the whole gory episode worthy of sharing at our little blog here.

Dimitri was unmasked last year by the awesome Toronto writers at blogTO. Now that’s real journalism. Being a modern guy, Dimitri has his own web site, of course… at times weird, hilarious, ironic, and scary. Much like the above voicemails.

If you didn’t get enough above, the movie below contains yet more Dimitri about halfway thru:

I dumped you bastert

Rob — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 09:12:18 +0000

This 2007 breakup email has been given new life by the guys at You’re The Man Now Dog with a dramatic reading..

Here’s the YouTube Video:

And a full-text transcript below:

Dear Loser,[Chris]~~~~!!!!!

I thought you liked me you said it yourself I hate you .People only say you asked me out because you needed a date for the dance and that after the dance you would dump me well guess what bastert i dumped you cause you were thinking that i cheated on you i didnt so like idiots that you guys are and so smart that you are you called me a slut.I hung up on you cause you tol me it on the phone because i guess you werent man enough to tell me it in my face!I hate you and also guess what my mother hates you to that she the one who put me to do this ,you come to breakfast every morning and I aint stupid you try to sit next to me and my lil bro who only 7YRS old hates you to and dont even know what you did and is always blocking your chair.haha!I went out with another boy after you and after we were over you an idiot dared you even tried to ask me out again i didnt break up with him for you OK! I hate you ive always hated you spreading to everyone that i cheated on you when you just got jealouse that i used to talk to your friends to your so jealouse you automatically think i like them well guess maybe i do maybe i dont gotta problem you aint my boyfriend anymore I dont have to tell you who i like or who iam with and why got it i dont like you anymore the other day you told me that I have to tell you who I like or who Iam thinking of going out with its none of your buisness got that to you loser!I hate you and I know you still like me but i dont like you i dont care what your stupid friends say you make me touch your hands for stupid reasons u accidentally say you hugged me i will never like you again I HATE YOU I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS DAMN WORLDDDDDDDDDD id rather date a spider or rat den u ur soooo ugly and fat !!!!!!!!!!And then saying that i loooooooved you pleasssse!!!!!!!!!!!Your such n ass wipe n bastert!! I HATE YOOOOOOOOOOU

Well bi you piece of shit i have more things to do right now then remember YOU

This has been lampooned numerously on YouTube (including a very bad operatic reading) and is frequently reposted to Craigslist.

I think it’s a shame to break up with such a good speller.

Only in Nashville

Rob — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 06:06:41 +0000

From Best of Craigslist … Careful dude, she’s got your tags!

To the Hot Guy at Priest Lake on the 4th of July – w4m

Date: 2009-07-24, 1:17AM CDT

I have some interesting news. You are going to be a father, twice. I don’t remember your name but I do remember your license plate number. I really hope you see this. You promised me that you would pull out, and clearly you didn’t. You had brown hair and brown eyes, and had a very specific tattoo. My parents have kicked me out of the house, and I’m not making enough working at Waffle House. I was hoping that you could help me out. My car’s not big enough for the three of us. If you are enough of a man to be responsible for your actions, contact me.

I left my vomit in your purse

Rob — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 12:36:08 +0000

From Lansing, Michigan comes this Craigslist “Missed Connections” post. Not explicitly a dumping but something of a failed flirtation — I thought it would be worth your while.

Date: 2009-07-16, 6:32PM EDT

You were sitting a couple tables across from me. I was checking you out. You noticed. I winked. You rolled your eyes and left your table to talk to some guys at the bar. You left your purse hanging unattended on the back of your chair. I felt rejected, and a little pissed. You looked hungry. On my way out, I filled your purse with a vomit cocktail consisting of 1 part hamburger, 3 parts Miller Lites and 6 parts hot yellow foamy puke. If you had second thoughts after blowing me off, hit me back. I can’t wait to hear from you!!!

Location: Houlihans

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

NBA Star Richard Jefferson dumps honey via email

Rob — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 08:14:06 +0000

Okay, we’ve never heard of him either. But he did the deed nonetheless, according to the NY Post. Jefferson admitted to emailing her a dumping days before their wedding after a difficult July 4th Long Weekend (talk about fireworks!). A former NY Nets point guard (the only position in basketball this writer can name), Jefferson was set to marry Net cheerleader Kesha Ni’Cole Nichols. Perhaps he was turned off when she said she’d change her name to Kesha Ni’Cole Ni’Fferson. A few too many apostrophes there.

UPDATE: Apparently, though, all is forgiven. Ni’Cole Ni’Chols is quoted on Good Morning America as saying “you can’t love someone into loving you back.” Truer words, beautiful princess.

Jarret Stoll: NHL Player, Email Dumper

Rob — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 00:54:06 +0000

Various media outlets are reporting that 40-year-old Model Rachel Hunter was mercilessly dumped via email by her fiancee and Los Angeles King hockey player Jarret Stoll. Nice going, dude. Does this guy even have a computer or did he peck it out with his thumbs on his Blackberry?

They had been together for two years, after Rachel broke off her relationship with a guy named Sean Avery, also an NHL player (pattern!) who referred to guys dating his ex-girlfriends as ’sloppy seconds’. Hey Sean.. she used to be married to Rod Stewart. Ouch.

If you (or your publicists) happen to stumble on that email, by all means send it in! We like to share.

So many bad things about your decorative style

Rob — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 00:42:14 +0000

Laurie drags this guy’s frequency down, giving her boyfriend Dell a pretty severe case of negative frequency energy. She apparently is pretty messy, which is forcing him to stay in his bedroom all day dealing with his depression. This may be the first diagnosed case of depression caused by peacock feathers attached to picture frames. You’ll have to endure to the end to pick up that particular tidbit.

Your decorative style stinks, Laurie. But here’s the more vexing problem: your boyfriend is gay.

She could have just said ’seeya’

Rob — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:31:37 +0000

I feel sorry for Emanuel. I mean, he’s apparently pretty selfish in bed and whatnot, but probably doesn’t deserve the slapping he receives in this voicemail from the lovely sounding French lady he entertained the previous evening.

Perhaps a little too needy

Rob — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 17:55:50 +0000

Here’s a wonderful email from a woman to a man who perhaps was just a little to clingy after only two dates. At one point the breakup email’s author states:

Why don’t I just hop into the back of an unmarked black van and hog-tie myself up to save you the trouble when the time comes that you plan on kidnapping and enslaving me in your sex/torture dungeon.

Well, awfully kind of her to offer but not exactly the best way to sever the connection if her suspicions are correct. But then again, depicting her vagina as being surrounded by an electric fence and “dry as the Sahara” may have a more appropriate deterrent effect.